bidoot

So, now it’s 8am, and I am getting ready for the day. I can’t even believe I’m actually here in my cousins’ family house. Yesterday afternoon, my parents and I drove up the five hours it takes to get here. We crossed multiple state lines, drove past countless McDonald’s and insurance agencies. So many lives can be witnessed through a car window, lives being fully lived, it seems, as we pass through town after town. Now, I’m finally in the guest room and I’m kinda freaking out.

I’m going to a 4th of July party with my cousins. The crazy part is that it was scheduled around a time when I would be free. This way, I could make the event. Virtually all of my cousins are in the DMV area and I’m not, lol. But, the issue I’m facing has absolutely nothing to do with the party or my cousins. This is my issue: my mind is in a place different from where I physically am.

Intellectually, I know why this is. I haven’t had great sleep, I procrastinate, and I also have more of a tendency to overthink and overanalyze (hence why I’m writing this post). I’m concerned about so many things, including things you might even be concerned about!

Here’s just a few of those things. I am:

• Beginning a graduate program that might not pay off,
• Struggling to pay off high-interest credit card debt,
• Figuring how to save up for my next semester’s tuition,
• Feeling incompetent at my new job,
• Can’t afford to fix my car and scared it will break down one day,
• Worried that my outfit choices are absolutely trash, but nobody has the courage to tell me,
• Scared my karaoke choice for the party is weird (“Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman),
• Scared that I can’t handle a real leadership role,
• Scared that my anxious feelings don’t resonate with anyone, and
• Scared that my articles won’t ever reach people who need to know they’re not alone,

These seriously are just a few. If I list more, my point will get stifled in the self-centeredness and won’t get across, I feel. And to be frank, I’m not exactly sure what the thruway out of this fear tunnel is here. I am learning what it could be through Dr. John Delony’s book on fear and Dr. Brené Brown’s book on vulnerability. But, I do know this: the only way through is by taking action.

Facing fear = taking action

So what if the graduate program might not pay off? It’s education, and many consider it a privilege to partake. So what if I feel incompetent at my job? My supervisor saw potential in me and bet on my success. Many times, the only way we can know the next best course of action is by taking action. This is what psychologists call heuristics, but I won’t get into that right now.

You can sometimes think your way through things. But, when it comes to everyday happenings that are truly fear-evoking, you can’t. If you want to figure out how to do something at work, you can only read so much training material. Eventually, you have to ask your coworker for the solution.

Also, it really isn’t anyone’s place to give you unsolicited advice except those you trust and/or respect. Only they can say something like: “Your supervisor saw potential. So, trust them,” or “Education is a privilege, it’s best to take and view it that way.” And even that can hurt more than help. Just because something is true doesn’t mean it needs to be said or that it is even helpful to say. That’s where the virtue of empathy comes into the picture.

Now, I’m not even going to attempt the Herculean task of trying to define empathy in my own words, so I borrowed from an online dictionary. It had “Oxford” in it, so I said to myself “It’s gotta be legit.”

Empathy is defined in the New Oxford American Dictionary as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another”. As a recent college graduate working in social work for the first time, this is the focal point of what I am doing daily: trying to understand and share the feelings of another. I am currently not great at demonstrating empathy without making things awkward, but it is definitely an ability, one that can be trained and nurtured.

However you slice it, the road to living courageously and wholeheartedly is not without its hiccups and shortcomings. I have failed many times on my path of living wholeheartedly, but the thing that continues to echo for me is the Golden Rule: love your neighbor as yourself. Yes, I am scared that my words won’t reach past the screen of my laptop and that even if they do, they won’t resonate. I’m scared that writing these posts is a waste of time and I should spend it resting, listening to music, or even spending time with people I care about. I mean, I could go on and on about not doing things, but how easy is that? So easy! 

James Clear, writer of the best-selling book Atomic Habits, wrote an article about this but on the flip side, where saying no to things is actually great, because the fastest way to complete something is by not ever doing it. This is great when it comes to setting boundaries and not letting impromptu, unnecessary requests bleed into your day and prevent you from thriving.

Do I really want to sing karaoke in front of possibly 20 people who I don’t know well? Nope, not even a little bit. But, will I do it? Yes, because being at a family event like this is something I’ve wanted for a while and now I am closer than ever. I can chop it up with my cousins and even learn a thing or two from them. I can be present in the lives of their kids, and even make memories with them that they’ll look back on many years from now.

None of this could have ever happened if I had said no.